


I Can Stand You (just not when you don't look at me)

by baka_tsumibito



Series: The Ways in Which We Realized What We Needed (it was you) [3]
Category: Free!
Genre: Canon-Compliant, Harusbirthdaybash2015, High Speed! Mentions, M/M, Mild Angst, Post Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4192731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baka_tsumibito/pseuds/baka_tsumibito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Annoying," Haru murmurs. Rin looks away, fuming and hurt.</p><p>How typical.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Stand You (just not when you don't look at me)

**Author's Note:**

> Set in "The Ways in Which We Realized What We Needed (it was you)" verse.  
> A prequel.

 

 

 

It's after another joint practice at Iwatobi, and Haru floats around aimlessly, not as alone as he'd like.

 

( _How typical._ )

 

The other Iwatobi members have left them behind.

 

_Check._

 

The pool is getting too cold -- he can't feel his hands. 

 

_Check._

 

Rin is being annoying. 

 

_Check._

 

Well, that last one isn't exactly fair. Rin is being his usual self, which Haru is usually capable of tolerating. He normally doesn't mind all too much; something everyone around them but Rin seems to realize.

 

That's fine, though.

 

What isn't fine, is this. Rin brooding by the poolside, having compacted _all_ of his training into a brief half-hour. Rin sitting out in practice to observe his team, only to not yell out a single correction the entire time. Rin existing in the same space, but not paying anyone any mind. 

 

Rin silently refusing to race today. And despite all this, Rin staying behind to supervise Haru's post-practice time alone with the water (which he needs to _escape_ thoughts of Rin; not _drown_ in them).

 

 

Not okay.

 

 

Given the circumstances, Haru feels that he is totally justified in snubbing Rin's outstretched hand, pushing himself out of the Iwatobi pool on his own. Turning away from Rin and whatever indignant ( _not_ disappointed, he tells himself) expression he is sporting, he reaches out to a white towel hanging off an unoccupied chair. 

 

(He's not acting out due to jealousy of not being at the centre of Rin's attention all joint-practice, as much as Makoto would have him believe. This is Rin getting the silent treatment he deserves, he tells himself.)

 

Haru towels out his hair, rubbing harshly at his scalp. Rin's presence at his back bothers him for a reason he can't pinpoint.

 

"Annoying," Haru murmurs as he turns around. He's still rubbing at his hair when he ends up facing Rin.

 

Rin looks lost, expression slowly morphing into something darker, and somewhere in the back of his mind Haru wonders if he's just unlocked a whole new misunderstanding. 

 

The sinking feeling in his stomach proves to be accurate when Rin's expression settles on anger. If Haru didn't know better (which he very well may not), he would say it borders on _fury_ , save for the pained look in his eyes.

 

 

"Well, fine!" Rin snaps, or attempts to because his voice comes out rough and edgy. Haphazardly swinging his sports bag across his shoulders, he stalks toward the exit, out of Haru's line of sight. 

 

Haru doesn't understand. (But when does he ever when it comes to Rin?)

 

He refuses to acknowledge the sudden lack of warmth, the way his hands tremble and his chest feels like it's shaking internally; nor the way his ears are straining to catch a cry, or the sound of frustrated sobbing in the distance. 

 

He's almost ready to jump right back into the freezing pool, chances of bodily harm pushed out of his mind, but Rin's abandoned Samezuka jacket catches his eye, and he slides it on instead. 

 

 

 

It's cold.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 Dressed in a dark jacket that's not his own, Haru allows his though to wander.

 

He's seated on his bed, knees curled up to his chest and chin resting on them. His arms are loosely wrapped around his bare shins. His hair is unkempt, and it's only one individual's fault. 

 

(How typical.)

 

He cannot understand Matsuoka Rin. 

 

This is a belief he's carried with him for years; it's one he also knows is inherently false.

 

He does understand Matsuoka Rin;

 

Just not right away. 

 

He hadn't understood why Rin felt the need to take him to Australia; hadn't understood until he found his dream staring him in the face at the diving podium. He couldn't understand the Rin that transferred to Iwatobi just to swim with him (with _us_ , he reminds himself, guilt dredging at his insides) -- couldn't until their dazzling relay hit him with a force he'd never experienced.

 

Those are just the bigger incidences. Rin puzzles him on a daily basis, until Haru has spent enough time carefully observing at his calmest, tugging on his hair at his most frustrated, running through possibility after possibility until he can clarify each tiny fragment that makes up a once-broken Matsuoka Rin.

 

He wants to claim that he can't understand Rin (because if he does, he'll have to face where he's at fault as well).

 

Haru does not currently enjoy introspection. It reminds him too much of a time where he'd thrown off his bond with the water (consequently affecting his relationship with Rin), too much of a time where the darkness inside himself had led others to ruin.

 

(It happens because his swimming, and Haru's existence centers around swimming -- which must mean it happens because of him too.)

 

 

( _The crying faces of middle school-aged Asahi, Rin and Makoto run through his head, and Haru does his best to push them away as soon as he can_.)

 

 

If he tries to understand Rin this time around (his recent scowls and surly behavior), then he'll have to face his faults and his guilt all over again.

 

And above all, Haru despises making Matsuoka Rin cry.

 

But he does understand, without even thinking too hard. This time around, he'd done something to anger Rin, unintentionally challenge him perhaps. Haru wants to believe this thought, even when he realizes that reality is never so uncomplicated; and that as much as Haru is bothered by Rin's upset moods, Rin feeds off of his annoyance just the same. They're amazingly good at trapping each other in down-cycles, and unsurprisingly prone to it as well.

 

Haru is afraid to shoulder the blame, because he _knows_ Rin will defend him against himself, and subsequently loath his own actions just a bit more for leading Haru to apologize. But he _knows_ , he _sees_ how much Rin hates it when he's short with him, regardless of whether or not he was already in a bad mood in the first place. 

 

Haru is afraid to see him, but it's almost been a week and his times have gone up since the moment Samezuka showed up to the Iwatobi pool with their captain set for only observing that practice. Something needs to be done.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Makoto drags him out.

 

 

They head to the mall, and Haru is the tiniest bit grateful to be distracted from his nonstop musings on how he's hurt Rin before. The water under his command can be dangerous, scaring him sometimes (not that Haru could ever admit to it). Going outside is enough of a distraction, _for now_.

 

Haru thinks this right up until they spot Yamazaki and Rin towards the front of the sports shop, laughing. It takes all of his willpower not to jump behind the nearest row of swimsuits, something Makoto would obviously notice (if the lack of his characteristic excitement upon seeing Rin, usually overflowing but now gone missing isn't already too huge of a sign).

 

 _Sousuke_ , he mentally chides himself. It hasn't been too long since the Samezuka cultural festival, and aside from one very awkward greeting, they haven't had the chance to develop their friendship any further at this point. Remembering not to be overly cold already took quite an effort, but he knew it was something Rin appreciated. A pang runs through his heart.

 

He watches enviously as Rin laughs freely, eyes closed and shoulders shaking. He hasn't seen Rin this happy since after the cultural festival (when Rin had recovered enough from his anger at the appearance of the Iwatobi team). It's a sad thought, to think that this older Rin would no longer wear a sunny smile just because they would be swimming in the same water. Haru realizes this with a jolt, never having thought of this before.

 

With a few parting words, Rin heads off somewhere, and Haru doesn't have time to watch him go when Makoto, having spotted the now alone Samezuka member, makes to approach Sousuke.

 

They talk for a bit -- meaning Haru only says hello, then observes the two _also_ on a first-name-basis make a rather exciting conversation considering the limited interaction they've had (as far as Haru is aware) until not too long ago.

 

He tunes them out, instead taking in the surprisedly happy countenances of the two (...and now he's suspicious), not wanting to interrupt the shockingly lively conversation ("They served us these enormous slices of chocolate cake in the cafeteria the other day, and I thought of you." "Sou-sousuke, don't laugh at me!!" "Rin hates sweets though, what a waste... Makoto, are you whining? Don't you want to know what I did with his share?...") only to ask where Rin had gone -- and receive a blank answer.

 

His companions seem to be ready to move on -- something about a food court and dessert -- and Haru sees this as an ideal opportunity to slip away, and maybe track down Rin.

 

As it turns out, he doesn't have to. As an oblivious Makoto and Sousuke turn to leave, and arm comes to circle around his shoulders from behind. 

 

Haru turns around, not really surprised at who he finds. There aren't that many possibilities, really, and he'd know the weight of that arm anywhere.

 

What surprises him is Rin's wide grin, still in place as his arm loops more firmly around Haru's neck.

 

"Hey," he says. "Want to go somewhere?"

 

 

 

( _When has he ever said 'no'_?)

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 They head back outside.

 

Rin's arm does not budge from its place on Haru's shoulder ( _Rightful_ , his brain supplies, and Haru has never wanted to kick himself more); Haru thanks the water _kami_ for small mercies. 

 

They walk far away from the mall, and Haru prepares himself for both an earful and a frantic apology from Makoto in the not-so-distant future. He'll have to exploit that opportunity later on -- an undisturbed weekend would be nice, allowing him a chance to ruminate over the relationship between the water, himself and Rin--

 

\-- if there's anything left by that point. Rin seems content enough right now, steps steady and head held high, but it's never been known to last.

 

Not long after the thought, Rin brings them to a halt by the water. There is a low fence barring them from advancing any further, and Rin leans against it, arm slipping from Haru's shoulders.

 

Haru tells himself that it doesn't feel any different.

 

"So..." Rin trails off, watching Haru carefully. His expression is more serious now, gaze strong and steady as he holds Haru's own. 

 

"...What is this about?" Haru asks hesitantly. He's scared to open the scabs of their last encounter, but he'd rather get this over with sooner than later. 

 

The more time Rin's tears have to dry before they're inevitably found, the better. Haru can use that time to compose himself as well. 

 

"Well..." Rin turns his head to the side, and to Haru's surprise, laughs sheepishly. "I...got you something. But, I'm not too sure how to give it to you."

 

Rin scratches the back of his neck nervously as he cranes his head around to look back at Haru -- who finds himself grasping for words. 

 

"You...have something for me?" Haru parrots, unsure. His hands clench into fists at his sides. 

 

"Yeah," Rin pauses visibly for a second. "I know it's not your birthday or anything, but that shouldn't matter," he adds softly. 

 

Haru takes a bit bit to process the new information, then turns his head to state derisively : "We're not overseas right now--"

 

Rin cuts him off. 

 

"Oi, Haru! Japanese people are perfectly capable of giving gifts too! What's with that attitude!? And why does it even matter anyway!?"

 

Haru bites at his lip to cut off the small smile that threatens to form. An agitated Rin makes for a funny Rin, this time around, but it wouldn't be good for Rin to get the wrong idea and think he was mocking him.

 

"Anyways," Haru moves on smoothly. "What is it this time?"

 

"Tch," Rin glowers. "Don't act so ungrateful." He reaches into his back pocket, and a small smile starts to bloom.

 

"I got us something matching," Rin elaborates, "because, well, then it'll be something to remind us of... each other... when we're no longer..." Rin gets progressively softer and softer until Haru can no longer make out what he's saying. But he gets the gist of it.

 

 _Romantic_ , his brain supplies him with, and he averts his eyes from Rin's before his thoughts show on his face. 

 

"...what is it?" Haru asks, curious, gaze narrowing to the hand in Rin's pocket. Rin hasn't really done something like this before, and it's exciting something within Haru he'd long ago pushed aside. 

 

For a moment, Rin looks scared, and the look flickering across his face brings up another memory unbidden. 

 

"Is this why you were upset last week?" Haru asks gently. Rin flushes, avoiding his eyes in turn and Haru feels a sense of relief wash through him.

 

Not for long though; it's still ultimately his fault, Haru is still the one bringing great distress to Rin.

 

Without realizing it, he'd voiced his last thought out loud.

 

 

He watches Rin's eyes widen, comically slow, but all he can hear us the mantra running non-stop in his head _it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's all my--_

 

Silence arrives with the closing of Rin's fingers around Haru's wrists.

 

The contact is soothing, comforting while at the same time burning hot with the fire Rin likes to use on him to hype him up in their races.

 

Rin smiles at him, indulgent, and Haru wonders what he did to deserve this. 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Rin fumbles with Haru's right hand, cool metal rubbing on his molten hot fingers and making his chest ache, though not in the same way as the other night with Rin's jacket draped around his shoulders -- not as painful. 

 

At last, with a triumphant "A-ha!", Rin succeeds in sliding a thick ring on Haru's middle finger. 

 

 

When Rin releases his hand all-too-quickly after that, Haru takes a moment to admire it. In the sunlight, he can't tell whether it's made from copper or silver, but the round ornament decorating its center is nice, he decides.

 

"I have a matching one," Rin proclaims, pulling it from another pocket. Haru _feels_ the glint in his eyes as he assesses the situation, and lunges forward. 

 

 

"Ha-Haru??" Rin doesn't struggle much as Haru slides his ring onto his left hand, instead staring at Haru with a mixture of emotions contained in his eyes. The one Haru recognizes the most is confusion. 

 

"Now we match," Haru murmurs, leaning his head down to rest on their joint hands, connecting rings making soft clinking sounds. They're standing so close now, he feels rather than sees or hears Rin gulping. 

 

"Thank you for the present," Haru whispers, and Rin puts his right arm around him, pulling them even closer together.

 

 

They stay that way for a bit, and Haru is grateful for Rin's excessive warmth when the sun disappears behind the clouds. Rin's body is hard, pressed to his own torso, but their joint hands feel so soft and pleasant. This is what it's like to embrace Rin in private, Haru thinks, until the realization that they're standing in broad daylight hits him and he self-consciously pulls out of the embrace. 

 

Rin makes a low sound, eyes half-lidded, and for a second Haru stops to consider the _possibilities_ \--

 

 

 

\--before coming to the realization that this really isn't the time or place to do so, and that they still have plenty to work out between the two of them before spring comes. He files away this precious moment for later. 

 

Suddenly, he feels an overwhelming urge to swim, and the words are on his lips when the sky opens up above them. He can only call out a loud "Come!" before their joint hands are dropped as they sprint to safety from the sudden thunderstorm that Haru had had an inkling was coming all day. 

 

 

He'll take Rin back to his place, since he still has to return his Samezuka jacket after all. They'll pass by Makoto's house, soaked from the autumn rain, and he expects to see Sousuke there, maybe playing with the twins under Makoto's watchful and caring gaze (he's caught on -- he's not an idiot, but maybe Rin is being typically oblivious). Maybe he'll convince Rin to make up for recently and race him at _Iwatobi SC Returns!!_ if the rain doesn't let up. 

 

Maybe he'll coerce Rin into sleeping over, giving them the time to work out what happened to strain things between them again (he refuses Rin's half-hearted explanation of chalking his moods up to nerves, no matter how difficult it is to give your _nakama_ a 'friendly' ring), and mend their relationship for good. 

 

 

And maybe, Rin will be convinced to share his bed, for old times' sakes, and somehow everything will fall right back into place.

 

 

 

 

 _How typical_ , Haru thinks. He lets out a soft laugh, lost to the storm.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Months later_

 

 

 

"Rin?" Haru calls, looking around. It's not the first time he's disappeared on him, and it won't be the last.

 

"Yo," Rin appears, sliding up to his side. When Haru turns to look at him, he is momentarily blinded by a bright glare. When it subsides, he catches sight of Rin's matching ring and can't hold back a small smile. 

 

Rin in raises an eyebrow at him, but Haru thinks he's going to leave it alone -- all until Rin reaches for him suddenly, turning to face him and pressing their lips together excitedly. 

 

Haru makes a noise of surprise, relaxing for a second before pushing Rin away. With one hand braved in his upper arm, and the back of the other pressed to his stinging lips, Haru feels the sudden fluster in his expression, blush rising rapidly.

 

"Rin!" He receives a blinding grin in response. 

 

"There's no one around," he teases, eventually obliging Haru and settling for an arm around his shoulders as he leads him away. 

 

The silence between them doesn't last very long before Rin says: "I really did get you a ring for your birthday this time."

 

He's much too quiet, and Haru's apprehension begins to rise. Rin continues.

 

"It's close to the same color as before, and we even put them on each other like we did last time." His words promise more, and anticipation begins to fill up Haru's chest. 

 

"The bands are a little thinner than before, but that's not a problem, is it? ..."

 

Rin continues to obsessively list the small changes, all while Haru works to maintain his expression. He's starting to understand what these new promises entail -- but they're okay now, he thinks. There won't be anymore distancing misunderstandings, he hopes. 

 

Rin catches him off-guard with a kiss to the temple. "Happy birthday, Haru," Rin tells him, and for the first time, Haru allows himself to truly believe that Rin will forever be around to show Haru the best sight all over again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Drama CD feels *flails*


End file.
